was englisches

DieGrosseKleine

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God..."Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow."What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first ... So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to woman."

Anonymous

:lachen04: Ist das guuuut... :biggrin:

DieGrosseKleine

@ gisela:
btw kannst du mal deine pn-box nach einer neuen nachricht durchforsten? ;-) die steht seit dem 3. bei mir im postausgang



A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window saying:

HELP WANTED
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said: "Meow."

Anonymous

:shock: Schickst du mir die bitte nochmal, ich habe die nicht (mehr)?

DieGrosseKleine

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

Ulrike1610

:lachen04: Wie geeeeeiiiiil ist das denn ??????!!!!!!
Hab es glatt schon weiter geschickt!

DieGrosseKleine

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"



ps: nur gut, dass es strg + c gibt, so kann frau auch mit gipsarm posten ;-)

DieGrosseKleine

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.



I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ***. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.



"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

DieGrosseKleine

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The Yankee nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Yank and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Yankee and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream then a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

DieGrosseKleine

Three nuns go to heaven and find them selves in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Hello sisters!" Peter said. "Before you will enter to heaven each of you has to answer one question. Who were the first humans on earth?" he asked the first nun. "Adam and Eve." she replied. And the bells were ringing, and the angels singing, and the doors swinged open. "Thats right. You may enter." said Peter. He asked the second nun: "Ehere did Adam and Eve first meet?" "In the Garden Eden." she answered. And the bells were ringing, and the angels singing, and the doors swinged open. "Correct! You may enter." said Peter. He turned to the third one: "Well, because you are the mother superior your question will be a little bit more difficult. What did Eve say, when she first saw Adam?" Now the mother superior looked really puzzled and said: "Hhmm, that's a hard one... "
And the bells were ringing, and the angels singing .....

DieGrosseKleine

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just this one problem.

It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts and I figured that you needed only half of those. I can see your difficulty and I will fix the problem right now .."

And God reached down, removed Eve's middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you."

"Let's see.... where did I put that useless tit"?

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?

Anonymous

:lachen04:

DieGrosseKleine

Amy, a blonde Texas girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one . . right here."

Terribly impressed by what he assumed was just another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple -- by the nail over its stall," Amy explains.Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

As she walks! away, she turns her head back over her shoulder & says to the man , "I guess it's to hang your pants on!!"

DieGrosseKleine

A man and his wife were watching a TV program about making a Living Will. He said to her: "Just to let you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, please just pull the plug on me."

"OK", said his wife. Then she got up, unplugged the TV, and tossed out all her husband's beer.

DieGrosseKleine

This young cowboy named "DZ" walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in Texas. DZ sits down at the counter and looking around, recognizes the older cowboy sitting a couple of stools down. It's the one everybody calls "Sin," and he's just sitting there with his arms folded, staring blankly at a large bowl of Texas Red chili.

After about 15 minutes of observing Sin just sitting there staring at the steaming bowl, young DZ bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that bowl of Red, mind if I do?"

The old, white-haired cowboy slowly turns toward the young wrangler and squinting his eyes in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, ...You want it?... you go right ahead. It's yours.".

Amazed at his good fortune and eagerly thanking Sin, DZ reaches over and slides the bowl over in front of him and starts spooning it in with great delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and, to his horror, sees a quite dead and very rotten rat in the chili. The sight was so gross and unexpected that he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

Sin slowly shakes his head and quietly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got too".

DieGrosseKleine

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

DieGrosseKleine

The Why's of Men



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(unknown.......it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
:biggrin:

DieGrosseKleine

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed .
"Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."